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Post By A bonus tale from.. the Hooded Hood Sat Jul 03, 2004 at 06:46:00 am EDT |
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Nitz the Bloody: The Stenching (some slightly naughty words in this story) | |
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| Nitz the Bloody: The Stenching “This,” said Nitz the Bloody, “is so not good.” “Really?” observed Zach acidly. “Because I was going to class a toilet exploding and covering me in sewage on my list of ten greatest things ever to happen to me.” “This blouse was nearly new,” complained Tricia. “Poor dad’s credit card, once again it gives of its life so my wardrobe can live.” “No need for that,” Nitz growled, flicking away the… substance that was coating his ritual robes. “Cleaneku!” Rather than cleanse the three new operatives at the end of the 1-869-6-HUNTER helpline the Zeku ritual merely turned the unpleasant brown substances clinging to Nitz, Zach, and Tricia a little more runny. “Is your power on the fritz?” worried Zach. “Only it’s not going to do our rep much good that we were beaten by a blocked toilet.” “A possessed blocked toilet,” Nitz insisted. “The lady said it was making strange noises, and things were bubbling out of it.” “That’s kind of the blocked part, Nitz,” argued Tricia. “Where do you get the possessed idea?” “Well, it ate her cat,” the high priest of the bound Earth-god Zeku pointed out. “And also, I have an invisible rhino explaining it to me.” The sewers under Sheldon were old, brick-lined constructions from a century ago. The foul waters ran down towards Sheldon Bay, but smaller tunnels went off at all angles. In some places the bricks had been pulled off and more irregular passages that looked like they had been gnawed vanished off into the darkness. “So tell us again why the invisible rhino that talks to you thinks we need to be wading along in two feet of human waste product?” Zach demanded. “And, y’know, why we’re following you down here?” “I’m the new high priest of Zeku,” Nitz the Bloody sighed. “You’re my acolytes, my believers, and you give me power by believing. Then I can do wonderful feats of faith-magic.” “Like making sewage turn all runny and go down my cleavage,” noted Tricia. “It’s our mission to track down all Drak Zeku misuse of Zeku’s power and put things right again,” Nitz explained. “No matter how messy things might get.” “Actually,” the invisible rhino that talked to Nitz pointed out, “there’s no Drak Zeku involved in this case.” “What the hell is that?” Nitz tried not to scream as the spidery thing composed entirely of sewage rose from its cess pool at the nexus where six sewer lanes conjoined. “Banisheku!” “It’s a Saaiitaii Manifestation,” the rhino spirit guide that was Nitz’ personal avatar of Zeku explained to him. “An elemental that can take physical substance from some particular form of matter.” The shit elemental absolutely refused to be banishekued, and Nitz vanished under a tidal wave of… well, you get the picture. “We have to help him,” Tricia cried out. “He can’t die until he buys me the new pair of boots he owes me for this adventure. “Transporteku!” And Nitz was teleported from the depths of the cess pool to land spluttering at Trish’s feet. “My power isn’t working on him,” choked Nitz. “I am not giving Nits the kiss of life,” Zach pointed out. “Ever. But most especially not when he’s been drowning in that stuff.” “As a Saaiitaii Manifestation the elemental is immune to Zeku magics,” the rhinoceros admitted. “You’ll have to find some other way of dealing with it.” Nitz shared this good news with his acolytes. “That’s why you couldn’t clean us up before,” Tricia realised. “Or banisheku it.” “How much are we getting paid for this job again?” asked Zach. “Cause here it comes again, and it’s getting bigger and angrier.” “Collapseku!” called out Nitz, and the stone dome of the sewer crumbled in and through the elemental. It dispersed for a moment than formed up again. “It can’t be hurt!” despaired Trish. She squealed louder as the elemental grabbed her in a massive brown claw and bore her into the air. “Fay Wray never had to put up with this!” “Transporteku again!” Zach called, blinking his girlfriend from the creature’s grasp. “Do something, Nitz! We’re getting, well literally crapped on here!” “Any tips or last minute hints, rhino?” The spirit manifestation of Zeku considered this. “Try not to swallow,” it advised at last. “Wait a minute. You said this thing could manifest through only one kind of substance?” Nitz reasoned as he dodged a massive faecal arm. “So if we destroy its raw material we can get rid of it?” “Hello?” Tricia pointed out. “Sewer? Sewage is a way of life down here.” “Yeah,” agreed Nitz. “But so is methane gas. Get ready to transport out of here fast guys.” He took a deep breath – wished he hadn’t – then shouted, “Igniteku!” Toilet basins from Sheldon to Mangatown spurted flame; but the Saiitaii Manifestation was destroyed. As Zach, Tricia, and Nitz climbed gooily out of the sewer entrance somebody turned on a high-pressure hosepipe and sluiced them down. “Hey!” objected the high priest of Zeku. The water stream was turned off and the man in the shabby red academic robes laid the hose beside the hydrant he’d tapped. “Better,” he observed. “You really need to think about personal hygiene more.” “Who the hell are you?” demanded Nitz. “Rhino, who’s he? Rhino?” There was a complete lack of spirit Perissodactyla Rhinocerotidae. “I’m the plumber,” explained Xander the Improbable. “I fix leaks and blockages.” “So where were you when we were fighting the big shit monster?” demanded Zach. “Co-ordinating from a distance,” noted the master of the mystic crafts with a little smirk. “Who do you think gave Mrs Bressingham your number?” “You knew about that thing?” Tricia accused. “You sicked it on us. Eew, I think I have used condoms down my top!” “I knew about it,” Xander admitted. “But it was Baron Morbo who turned it loose when he didn’t need it any more. I’ll be having a little chat with him about that.” “But you set us up to fight it. Why?” demanded Nitz the Bloody. Xander indicated his faded red robes. “I just had these dry cleaned,” he noted. “And also I wanted to see how good the new high priest of Zeku was. Professional interest.” “You’re a superhero?” Zach wondered. “Zeku forbid!” snorted the sorcerer supreme of the Parodyverse. “But I’ve a horrible feeling you folks might be heroes yourselves. Nasty when that happens to innocent people, but what can you do?” He turned to vanish into the alleyway, but then stopped and added. “You did good today. I wish I could help you in what’s coming, but it’s your fight and I won’t be there when it happens. Just remember how you won the fight today and you’ll do fine.” “Courage, teamwork, and passion?” Tricia suggested. “By being a sneaky bastard and changing the game,” Xander noted. “Now go and collect your share of the fee off Mrs Bressingham. And get a shower.” “We certainly earned it,” Nitz admitted, looking at his drenched comrades and his bedraggled self. “We should… hey, whaddayou mean, our share of the fee…?” Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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